Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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