You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
