Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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