my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
