you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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