I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
