I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
