So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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