just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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