need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
