Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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