when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the gays at disneyland are vicious
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
