Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dignity is for republicans.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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