The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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