I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
