i just sent this text using only my big toe
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
