Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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