Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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