I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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