I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
