I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sex in a hospital.. check
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
