She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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