Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
