you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
