there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
