I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
