So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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