My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
