You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
