i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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