He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
