so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
