Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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