i may or may not be watching the land before time
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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