Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
