Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
