home. puking in laundry basket.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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