Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
