She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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