Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The Olympian is in my bed
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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