I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
