You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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