Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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