Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
