I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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