I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
