I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
