Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
