Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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