I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
