conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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