You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
