I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
