Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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